I Don’t Want To Leave This World Tonight

I’m losing grip and I’m losing hope. This highway is turning into a dead end. It’s been awhile since I’ve been back but this seems to be my last resort. I don’t know where else to turn. There are no other escapes. There is My last hope.

I just can’t write my story. I’m in trouble. A lot of trouble. I can’t see a happy ending in sight.

Goodbye.

We are each of us angels with only one wing, and we can only fly by embracing one another.

~Luciano de Crescenzo

I’m Just a Kid…

So Life is back to sucking. I want to write but no time. SATs, AP English Test, School, CAP, College Search, International Night…so much stress. I just wanna live and I wanna be a kid. Things were so bad yesterday. I had Junior Prom Friday night which was good. I don’t really feel like explaining. I’m too drained of energy. I feel so burnt and worn out. I need to escape.

♥ Emily

It’s getting hectic everywhere that I go

They won’t leave me alone

There’s things they all wanna know

I’m paranoid of all the people I meet

Why are they talking to me?

And why can’t anyone see

I just wanna live

Don’t really care about the things that they say

Don’t really care about what happens to me

I just wanna live

Just wanna live

Can’t Breathe, Can’t Drown

I’m so scattered right now. I can’t concentrate. I want to get all my work done but I can’t. I just want him to get home already. I wish I went somewhere exotic for break like warm and sunny like a cruise or Mexico or anything at all. I feel trapped. I feel weak and dependent that I have cried myself to sleep every night this week. I’ve had horrible horrible nightmares and barely any sleep. I had Stations of the Cross and did fairly well I think. I find it hard to breathe today. I don’t know why. I find it hard to concentrate. I can’t focus. I just wanna run. I hate this weather. It gives me cabin fever. I just wanna fast foward 6 hours. I need to do a little soul searching. My heart feels homesick. I ache for the wide open spaces of Texas. I miss it so much. It’s been almost a year since I first went. I miss it terribly. I knew it was home when I went there. I just wanna go home. I haven’t written. I’ve been avoiding. I’ve been avoiding everything. Keeping everything to myself. Avoiding everything. I can’t take it anymore. Music no longer keeps me sane. Only change of scenery does. I need to get out this place and run. I just wanna be free like those mustang horses in the country that I used to dream about when I was little girl. I wanna be carefree like them. I need to get out of here.

♥ Emily

take me away
take me away
I’ve got nothing left to say
just take me away -lifehouse

Lost

Things are really bad.

Missed another day of school today.

Didn’t sleep last night

I’m sick to my stomach.

I need help.

I can’t focus on my schoolwork.

So much pressure.

The boy doesn’t understand how hard it is for me. He tells me I need to go to school,well I know that. I just can’t. I didn’t do any of my work and looked beyond exhausted.

I just need to get away. I’m struggling too much

Depression is Depressing

I’m back. I have been too busy to write. But I have to write today because I am way super depressed and stressed and hopeless and out of options. I got my course selections. Didn’t get AP gov, AP stats, or AP art history. I’m upset. I’m stressed with school, CAP, my resume, getting a job, always being 2nd best, all these deadlines, dance, everyone being better than me and me being good at nothing, the tertulia on friday, fencing, writing everyday, SATs, getting into college, my school, friends/or lack thereof at school, and home. I had a major major major meltdown today and yesterday. Yesterday I was stressed and upset. I went to Stations tryouts and my cold reading went really well. Pretty much the only good thing about yesterday besides dance tryouts. I think I’m going to get Mary or Veronica. I did a monologue of Veronica and apparently I have really good emotion. Last night I woke up like every 20 minutes, the boy woke me up because of the horrible nightmares. Today I find out that my paper got changed to a due date of Tuesday and that 2 block chapter test is now tomorrow. Today just stressed me out. I came home and sobbed. I was hysterically upset. I want my maltese cross necklace. I can’t believe it’s misplaced. This is making me the most upset. I’m terribly obsessed with being perfect and getting into college and SAT scores and grades. I want to switch schools so I can seem smart. I can’t believe I didn’t get NHS all because of the stupid higher school standards than National standards. I’m tired of everyone not sugar coating it and saying “I don’t knowwhat I want to do in life” because I do. I swear I’m doing it for me. I’m trying damnit. I am. It’s hard. I’m so lost. I’m trying to live my life for me and no one else. It’s hard. I’m tired of hearin from everyone “if you want it badly enough than fight for it.” I’m tired of fighting. So so so tired. I can’t stop crying. I need help. I need to go back to therapy. I find out a CAP aquintance that I was talking to is in the hospital for depression/attempted suicide. I stopped talking and helping him because things got to much for me so I ignored him. I’m not trying to sound conceited and saying that I made a huge difference and that he did it because I ignored him. I’m merely saying I could have continued to help him regardless of what others think. I’m sorry I’m too busy to talk/text. Things have been hard. I hate being home. I miss DC and the carefreeness of everything. I even opened up a lot to two people. Huge accomplishment for me. The fighting started at home again. Something about a cell phone message. I feel bad for my giant meltdown because now my mom is really concerned about me and she doesn’t need more to worry about. I want to start running again but I sprained my knee. I just want to be somebody. The somebody people whisper “wow, she’s really good” or something like that. I just want to make people proud is all. That’s all I want is acknowledgment. I’m sick of “you don’t apply yourself”. I’m sick of nagging and no encouragement or saying “wow good job” or “I’m proud of you”. I just wish my parents were involved in my life. I wish my parents were like the boy’s and actually cared about how he does on the SATs and what college he gets into. I need help God. God please help me, please. Send me a miracle. Or at least a bit of hope. Anything at this point. To keep me going. I’m sorry. I’m crying as I type this. I just can’t stop the pain. I want to but I can’t. I promise I won’t hurt myself physically, but I need to make myself better

♥ Emily

Gone. Gone. Gone.

That’s right folks. As of 11:22 this morning I will be gone for a week. I will just write on my computer since I probably won’t have internet so don’t worry. I’ll write a post about the last two days as well. I can’t believe I’m leaving for Washington D. C. today. Me. One of 24 cadets in the nation. Go friggen figure. Guess my essay was better than I thought. I get to see C.I.A., F.B.I., State Dept, Pentagon, Arlington, Capital, Monuments, Smithsonian, etc etc. It’s gonna be a blast. I’ve never actually taken a train somewhere. Just those lil like dinner train rides in MA. But I’m taking a train. By myself (+ my friend)

Well I got to go now.

Much love,

♥ Emily

All my bags are packed
Im ready to go
Im standin here outside your door
I hate to wake you up to say goodbye
But the dawn is breakin
Its early morn
The taxis waitin
Hes blowin his horn
Already Im so lonesome
I could die

So kiss me and smile for me
Tell me that youll wait for me
Hold me like youll never let me go
cause Im leavin on a jet plane
Dont know when Ill be back again
Oh babe, I hate to go

Messy Messy Messy

Ick. My OCD is kickin’ in. Everything is a mess and it’s driving me off the wall. Ok so I ain’t going to sugarcoat it. I’ve been avoiding y’all out there in cyberspace. I haven’t felt much like writing, pretty just been living. That’s right I’ve been choosing homework over telling you the new happenings in my life.

So Friday. Normal School day I’m pretty sure. Don’t remember much lol. Friday night I went to the library, did a little work for them there. Then the four of us, Jesse, Tommy, Callie, and I went to eat at the Japense restaurant. Those seniors were so nice. They gave us $80 for food. We ate soooo much. I got chicken terriakyi and we had clams, eggrolls, california rolls. I tried sushi, eel, and fish eggs for the first time. Fish eggs are so cute. They are orange and sticky and make a “POP” noise in your mouth. We set our eggrolls on fire because the clams had a flame next to them. It was super cool. Yummy Yummy food. The total came out to $80.75. So we finished it off perfectly. It was pretty awesome. It was hidden in like the seedy part of Hackensack but totally worth it. I’ve mastered the chop sticks and I was the only one who used them haha. I went home. Hung with the boy and we watched a movie.

Saturday came. It was Valentine’s Day for most. Just another day for me. I made my mom, Casy, and Nikkie a valentine. And the boy I made him a card since we both don’t celebrate the “franchise”. My card said on the front “Happy Hallmark Holiday..err..I mean Happy Valentine’s Day sweetie” On the inside was a picture of him and I from New Years and the inside read “I refuse to give into the Hallmark franchise so consider this just a convenient card conveniently given on Valentine’s Day conveniently expressing how much I like you. Ti amo, Te amo, Ich liebe dich, j’taime. You get the picture. P.S. It is also a coicnidence that this paper is pink, the ink is red, and there are drawn hearts and glitter.” I thought it was funny and so did he. I gave him starbursts which he loves and made him another mix CD since it’s what I do best. He gave me good chocolate but not like the whole heart-shaped box deal just good chocolate. We both laughed and ate. He had EMT school that day so I did homework until he came over. He wanted to take me out to dinner but instead we got sandwhiches so that way I could help him study for his private pilot’s license because he had the check ride in two days. We watched Madagascar 2. And that was the extent of the so-called holiday.

Sunday. I got to see my BFF who switched to public school. I hadn’t seen her since June. It was awesome. It was Amber (my BFF), my friend Christina (she still goes to my school), and me. We are like a trio pretty much. Partners in crime. We went to IHOP. It’s tradition. We also crave food and also crave IHOP basically. Our tradition is to leave a normal tip and then leave the rest of the tip in coins in the shape. Last time we left it in a smiley face. This time it was a heart for V-Day. I’ll post it at the end of the post. I think you’ll find it cute. So after we do that. We run out of there and watch the action from the window. Our waitress finds it and thinks it’s adorable. Mission successful. Again this time they dig the camera out and take a picture like last tim. Everyone goes over to look at the cute tip she got. We made someone’s day happy. Good Deed Complete. So then we go back to my house. We do that 300 piece puzzle I got from my Grandma for Christmas. It’s an I Spy puzzle so we got play I Spy after we finished putting it together in less than an hour. It was fun. We actually then went to the movies and saw “He’s Just Not That Into You”. I’m not quite sure if I liked it. It made me paranoid. It was sad. Made me angry then happy. It had a cute ending. It was kinda bittersweet. I don’t know. Didn’t hate it, didn’t love it. Mixed feelings there. The boy got ticked at me because I couldn’t hang out with him because I ended up going to the movies with my two friends, one whom I hadn’t seen in 8 months. I felt terrible because he was like “I planned on hanging out with you, I could’ve hung out with my friends instead. You ruined my plans” I felt terrible about it. I thought he would’ve rathered study for his check ride the next morning. Finally he was like “ok let’s just drop the subject”. So we went back to my house to wait for their rides. We watched comedians to make us feel better because Ambs got into a fight with her bf and such. New Zealander Comedians make me feel better I discovered and so do funny pranks lol. So the boy and I talked it out. It was fine. He knew I was beating myself up about it.

Monday. President’s Day! Woot woot! Um…the boy had his check ride. He passed! I was so nervous. So he got his private pilot’s license. Yay! I went over his house and helped his mom take down Christmas lights and helped him fix the kitchen cabinets. Ate dinner and watched NCIS. Then I went back to my house and we watched a little of Forest Gump. I’ve never ever seen that movie. So I watched the middle half. I liked it. It was cute. Now I understand why everyone talks about it.

Tuesday. Boy came over. We did our homework together. Watched NUMB3RS. I loveeee that show. Taps into my inner nerd I got my letter from soldier today! I was soooo sooo sooo excited! She’s only 19. She’s really cool and she’s stationed in Asia. Can’t really tell you where. I was so excited to hear back. To know that she loved my care package and my letters. It made me soo sooo sooo happy.   I went to CAP. Fixed and replaced about 50 CPR mannequins for the Red Cross. Did ES teaching/training. Passed my leadership test. Forgot my aerospace book and AIM reccomendation. Ugh. Whatever. Talked with senior members especially this one mother who has been sending me encouraging messages on facebook to help me through my rough days I had an issue with one of the cadets. He faile his drill, his attitude issues, lack of discipline, customs and courtesies, as well an unwillingness to learn. So I gave the cadet training him a good talking to. Telling him I wasn’t going to be there next week so his act better be cleaned up when I get back in two weeks. The cadet was all “yes ma’am, I understand ma’am, thank you for the second chance ma’am” I was not a cute lil major at that point. More like a scary, ticked off major because I felt sick. Yeah, forgot to mention that, I was sick with something/been sick. I’ve felt sick to my stoamch and everyone on my team has been sick too including my brother. So the boy came over even though I was sick because he knew it would make me feel better. It was quite sweet of him.

Wednesday. Yesterday. Did lots of homework. Did the English notes that we turned in online to test the site we are using for our term papers to find the percentage of plagirism in a paper. I turned in my notes second. So I got 7%. Since it’s notes so we’ll all have the same thing. Ughh 2nd. If I was first I would’ve had 0% .Not too much left. Just a religion paper, international studies paper, and physics project. Yay! Had my second round of states vs. columbia. It was such a tense meet. Constant back and forth score. It was constantly tied. No one was ever ahead by more than one bout. We lost though by one touch in one bout 5-4. It was our C-strip fencer vs. their A-Strip fencer. We lost 15-12. That’s the end of the meet season. We now place 5th in states. Everyone cried. I felt especially bad for the seniors. We still have state squads and individuals though. I kept score along with these two boys who sat next to me from the other team. One looked like Max. lol kinda funny actually. The other had pretty spiffy curly hair. So I walking out of there when Muhammad, the A-Strip sabre, was walking out with her sister/mom/someone. She was the girl who kept untying  her shoe with weapon so she get coaching advice without calling a time out. My coach called her out on it and the director saw too and he was like “you can’t do that”. So I was walking to my car and Muhammad and person were in front of me talking and they were like “they told me to move, but I wasn’t going to move. It didn’t hurt anybody at all. No one got hurt from it. It’s petty. It’s the way white people think, white people think petty thoughts that don’t matter” I was like wow…I didn’t know what to say/do. They saw me and kept talking about it. I was taken aback by how racist it was. They had won though. Their team was unsportsman like about it though. They did a lil team huddle and cheer after they won. They should’ve waited until the meet was over. That was uncalled for. I guess I didn’t realize the amount of racisim. Just because blacks were opressed by whites doesn’t mean you can say those things. Americans were opressed by the British but we don’t say those things, if anything we admire them because of their accents. I went home upset. I fell asleep. I woke up because the boy had a nightmare so I got him to go back to sleep. I fell back asleep. Woke up from a nightmare. He got me to go back to sleep. He always makes me go to sleep even when I don’t want to. He always seems to know what’s best for my health lol.

Thursday . Today. Woke up. Tried to get some homework done. Procrastinated. Called Max. Laughed. And now wrote this post.

♥ Emily

Don’t say you don’t have enough time. You have exactly the same number of hours per day that were given to Helen Keller, Pasteur, Michelangelo, Mother Teresa, Leonardo da Vinci, Thomas Jefferson,  and Albert Einstein.

FML

I’m procrastinating. I don’t want to write. I feel depressed. I just want to I don’t know. I need to write but I don’t want to. I’m upset.

Em

no quote today.

I’m sorry

for everything…I haven’t been myself lately.

I’ll tell you everything tomorrow.

Always tomorrow.

♥ Emily

The best proof of love is trust

Hallmark Holiday

I refuse to give into this franchise. My font is just conveniently pink. My quote is just conveniently cutesy-wootsy. That is all for tonight.

♥ Emily

A lady’s imagination is very rapid; it jumps from admiration to love, from love to matrimony, in a moment. -Pride and Prejudice